Transportation

Two brothers on a delayed L train and four teens; three boys and one girl. And two young German kids. The two brothers are talking about finite knowledge “if the world were infinite you wouldn’t know it” One brother is really trying to convince the other of Rumi’s greatness. I smell curry, artificial roses, not like fake but so full of dyes. It would make you sick if to make rose water out of it. Thinking of Arizona on a crowded train. Turkish desserts, creosote desert plants. We went on a short hike and forgot water. L train shuffling hordes to and from Manhattan. Two brothers think that they think well, their optimism is starting to annoy me. I need to love those kind of brothers “you see the foaming surface but not the sea” Oh shut the fu*k up! I’m hungry. The German kids bought bread from a drug store, what kind of bread do you buy at Walgreens?

And now for something completely different

Home more often. Cleaning more often. Quiet, less anxiety, less skyscrapers. Changing roles is like looking at a mobile from a different angle. Out of the crib. I hate cliches, nothing is more precious now. It's a lot more quiet now, though, and that is a relief.

Notes in cursive

My mother frequently sends me care packages. I don't need them, I'm not in a place where dried goods from trader joes or soft cotton skirts will save me from the brink of homelessness. But there they are, beautiful boxes lined with tissue paper and sticky notes with cursive script "don't put this in the drier, it will shrink" or "you liked these wasabi almonds when you were here" ... And that's why mothers are never done, never an empty nest, never ever will I not need her. I didn't need that but I needed the handwritten note.

Tampax

He knows I am super. Or at least my flow is today. I love him, he's super too.

how it works

"When you lobby for something, what you have to do is put together your coalition, you have to gear up, you have to get your political forces in line, and then you sit there and wait for the fortuitous event. For example, people who were trying to do something about regulation of railroads tried to ride the environment for a while, but that wave didn't wash them in to shore. So they grabbed their surfboards and they tried to ride something else, but that didn't do the job. The Penn Central collapse was the big wave that brought them in. As I see it, people who are trying to advocate change are like surfers waiting for the big wave. You get out there, you have to be ready to go, you have to be ready to paddle. If you're not ready to paddle when the big waves comes along, you're not going to ride it." -an analyst for an interest group so if you want change, be ready for some horrible shit to happen, and then seize the day

Hollywood Boulevard

I see the large purple towel that we inherited from some guest, or that we stole from some guest house lying on the floor in our closet near the hamper. It is there because the other night I used it to wipe away your love. I am reminded of stereotypes. The wife who sparingly has sex, the wife who begrudging does laundry, while scowling. I look up from where I have been squatting, in front of the hamper I see two shoe racks, both racks are mostly empty ... a few pair of sandals, and an old plastic bottle of cheap vodka. I laugh, I laugh because I have seen in there dozens of times, but I have never bothered to throw it out. But today I did, I threw it away ... oh better, I recycled it. There. That makes it all better.

Sardines

I eat the spine. And why the hell not? It's a Sunday afternoon and I am having a snack.

Asa nisi masa

What I should be doing vs. what I am doing.

Writing a case study on a non-profit organization based out of Brooklyn New York that assists people displaced by gentrification, imprisonment, grew up in foster-care etc. I need to be writing a practical paper, proving that I know what membership can do.

I am watching Fellini's 8 1/2 it's my go-to procrastination film. I want to drink mineral water, I have heartburn. I don't have sinus pressure today but I predict that I will tomorrow.

A slice of my insides

So I thought today I would take a break from my usual cryptic bull and be straight forward with something that really makes me happy.

I take a can of these mothers and they usually last about a week. I would say that I purchase one can every two months or so. You dont want to over do it, you know, then it's not so special.

I will walk to the fridge and using a fork extract a pepper and then place it on a corn tortilla, top it with cottage cheese and salt, roll the taquito and nom nom nom.

It's like a happy tequila shot, but more invigorating and it lasts longer.

thanks for taking the time to read.

frown

You might have noticed that some people with chronic sinus pressure tend to scowl a lot.

The pain tends to be localized around the eyes; it's not about you. I'm not frowning at you or your shenanigans, as the young kids say.

I think I'd like to be thought of as a mordacious babe.

bleach and heat

My hands smell like bleach and pine-sol. I have finished folding my boy's clothes and am sneaking into his room, late at night, after he has fallen asleep. My mother did this too, I remember the inconvenience of having my sleep interrupted, the harsh smell of the chemicals and the warm comfort in knowing that her care for me was tireless. Did she talk to herself like I do? Constant, an engine asking the same mundane questions "does this shirt still fit my child? what will I do after daycare tomorrow? Does he get enough vegetables?". I violently mop the floors, I see the stains and scrub with a determined anger, I don't know why I am upset, I am probably not; just unused energy.

Mucus

I'm sure that in every person's life there comes a time that they have to decide whether or not if they are going to snort up their snot or blow their nose.

How far are those boogers?

High? Low?

Who will hear? Then what? Swallow? Spit?

I know this is all gross.

I'll tell you one fu*king thing, I am not going to tag this post #firstworldproblems - that is so annoying.

Not as annoying as snorting snot though, though I will if need be.

Here

so I says to the doctor I says "I have never had seasonal allergies" and the doc says "where did you grow up?" and I tell him, "Arizona" ... "well, there is your answer, there aren't any seasons there". Well hell. I miss the desert, I miss having a tan, a glow. I miss family. But spring is here, and I swear to god my son asked me to stop and smell the flowers today, no, not roses, this is Brooklyn, there are flowers here. I stopped.

Fungus

Say what you will about stress or dry air or the slow but quick process of learning from mistakes but I don't get sinus pressure too much these days. These days. What is that old song? Anyways.

I know better and I have been feeling better, but when the sinus pressure strikes I run for the bath and the strong family.

I used to hate mushrooms and clams. As I age I can appreciate those that do too; it is good. The things that grow in the dark, dank and rotten areas of the world can be good.

drum brush sound

it can get nasal sounding. but when the brushes are wire like, it's good.

So, listening to the drum brushes beat along with the Christmas sounds; no immediate pressure.

Take something!

Blinding pressure, well not blind but I can't focus on anything.
-I can't mention the rye-
don't want readers to think I drink too much.
"get some goddamn aspirin
NOW"

Friends, it doesn't help when you yell.

epsom salt

Have I mentioned my obsession? I bathe in salt baths only on the weekends but I am going to try to work it up to three times a week.

This IS my exercise.

Now if you'll excuse me.

No pressure.

similar dreams

I felt The Empire State building falling and I was waiting for the impact.
Despite the few smokes and the conversation last night that went too late on the patio; sinus pressure is or has been at bay.
So I won't try to complain.
When I strolled into the lobby there was an announcement that there would be drills today.

treatments

The pressure is really high and inside; I can feel it near my nasolacrimal ducts.
I've lost my neti pot.
I've lost my marbles.

Thursday Morning Very Little Pressure

the black cat keeps stealing the foosball ball
there is a break in the heat wave and I am sleeping better.
The moral animal is growing and putting pees and poos in the potty.
I love my son.